Feeling Useless

Today was a strange day... Today my life felt at stand still... The goals I've been making for myself are not progressing. So whats the next step? Will the step be outlined like a footprint in the sand? Doubtful. Some days everything goes back to square one I make poor decisions for myself and it affects me and the people around me. How do these things change? What haven't I done?

When I lie awake I think of you... When I lie asleep I dream of you... Dream of my arms wrapping around you gently, kissing you sweetly until your breathe softens deeply into sleep. Only then can I sleep soundly... Soundly to awaken to your beauty. A smile cracks apart my lips to see you smiling next to me....

Rushing

Awake, eyes wide open, scared. Am I rushing into failure again? A beautiful heart asks for space for time away, time to heal. While another selfishly reaches desperatley out for the familiarity of companionship. Am I rushing to be who I want to be? Sleep escapes my eyes, weary of mistakes that are not yet mistakes. Regret is not the word... yet. Am I rushing towards something that is rushing away? Like a game of tag I reach out to relieve the ache from chasing always a step behind. Feeling only that once my muscles can rest the chase will start again. Am I rushing?

Crooked Roads

I walk a crooked road to get where I'm going.
To get where I'm going I walk a crooked road.
And only when I'm looking back, I see the straight and narrow.
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road.

I sing a lonesome song to anyone who'll listen.
To anyone who'll listen I'll sing my lonesome song.
And when I hear you singing too the sorrow sounds so hopeful.
The sorrow sounds so hopeful when I sing my lonesome song.

And a lonesome song will be my true companion,
when all else has abandoned for singing on their own.
And a lonesome song with fill my days with gladness,
make joy out of sadness when I bring my lonesome song
to you...

I love with all my heart, there is no way of stopping
I have no way of stopping, I just love with all my heart.
Through the broken and the beautiful the bad news and the good news
the bad news and the good news is I love with all my heart.

And a loving heart will be my true companion
when all else has abandonded for loving of their own.
And a loving heart will fill my days with gladness,
make joy out of sadness when I bring my loving heart
to you...

And I long to be a happy man, In this life that I'm living
In this life that I'm living, I long to be a happy man.
When the silence turns to stillness I know I have the making
I know I have the making to be one happy man

And a happy man will be my true companion
when all else has abandoned for happy own their own
And a happy man will fill my day with gladness
make joy out of sadness when I bring this happy man
to you...

I walk a crooked road to get where I'm going
To get where I'm going I walk a crooked road...

This song speaks my new drive in life, a new philosophy giving me the strength to live each day the best I can. Though I know my path may not seem straight when I look back there isn't one thing I would change for it is what makes me, me. Usually when I learn a song it takes me more than a few times to memorize the words and learn the tune. These words, when they don't flood my eyes with tears, flow off my tongue with ease. I used to work to straighten my road, now I plan on taking every curve and enjoying each step with a smile parting my lips.

Tug of Familiarity

Do you ever get the feeling that the people who are a part of your life, friends, bosses, lovers, acquaintances have a negative affect on you? As things change for me, and for the better, I notice more and more flaws of others that seem to hold me back. The impass I am at now is finding the right path to take without leaving those who I care most about behind. Most notably I've seen this restraining effect through my friends. Above all else in life, my friends mean the most. Unlike some people I have been lucky enough to keep my circle of longtime friends intact. This is something that I am forever grateful for. Yet there are moments where I wonder who I'd be without them. So what steps are available now that more and more as I improve myself I see them trailing behind? Much of the life ahead will be fraught with puzzles, questions, perils and many other unknowns. For so long I've held myself back, afraid to take strides due to the unknown. Now it seems that which is so familiar is tugging me back to places I've just left. Will these bonds break themselves or is it up to me?

Travel Plans

Travel plans! Places I want to explore the list will hopefully grow as time goes by...

Festivals:
Old Settlers Music Festival, Austin Texas, April 15-18
$170: 4 day and camping
$115: 3 day no camping

Merlefest, Wilkesboro, North Carolina April 29th, 30th May 1 & 2
$135: 4 day
$25: 3 day
$75: Camping 4-person

Delfest, Cumberland, Maryland, May 28-30
$140: 4 day
$125: 3 day

Appalachian Uprising, Scottown Ohio, June 3, 4, 5
$90: 3 day

Pagosa Folk & Bluegrass Festival, Pagosa Colorado, June 4, 5, 6
$120: 2 day and camping

Telluride Bluegrass Festival, Telluride Colorado, June 17-20
$180: 4 day

Grey Fox Music Festival, Oak Hill, New York, July 15-18
$140: 3 day and camping

Changing People by a Changing Me

How do I make someone feel like a better person when they are around me? Is it improving their quality of life? Or is it just a mindset, or a feeling they experience? Is it a constant feel or does it come in fleeting moments? I know that in any situation I try to be myself, which includes trying to make others feel safe, accepted and above all laugh. So what more can I do? I know that someone makes me feel like this quite often, she inspires me to be better! I love the feeling! I want to it share with everyone that I care about! Maybe as I improve myself people will follow in the foot-steps I leave behind... This is a goal that will be added to my ever growing list and as I grow I know my list will grow with me, for thats what will make life meaningful to me improving myself in order to improve the life of others.

Sleepless Poems

Sometimes awake sleepless... Is it a mind racing, or longs for embracing... Sleep is fleeting, running for an unknown reason. How do I approach my sleepless encroach when its roach like nature skitters through my mind, pesting? Imagine warm, specificity in form lying beside me til morn, dreaming. Think not of what, or who, but where; places forward, roads ahead paving happiness...

A Bench For Two

Lyrics so far:

When I'm with you time moves fast
I want to slow it .
A never-ending embrace of that lasts forever

Bench of ours, feels so right, sit so close
I feel your pulse tonight
When you smile the sun shines bright, smile always
Forever in my life

Bench of ours, we sit apart, gone for now
Always in my heart
When you cry the fault was mine, smile through tear
I will help you shine

Bench for you, a bench for me, you and I
Make great poetry

When I'm without you seconds last eons
The space between my arms
Empty of love that lasts forever.

Last night friends that I havent spent time with in so long came over. It was zombie night!!! Even with the great time someone was missing... She always seems to be missing lately and I am so anxious for that to change. Chili was, as usual, made for all to eat and enjoy. In hopes that she would grace the night of brain slurping fun I made it specially veggie chili. Which brings me to my point... Why is it that I let things slip away before doing something about them? I have done it many times to people and to myself. So I am adding a new goal to my list!

12. Aknowledge the goods things in life before they are gone.

Since I Can't Wish Her a Good Morning

Everyday I wake up around 7:30 am reach for my phone wish you a waking moment and a glorious day. It has been five days since I was able to do that, yet I still wake every morning around the same time with the same sentiments I am just unable to share them with you. So heres to an easy rising and hopfully a fabulous day!

Since I Can't Say Goodnight

There are so many things I want to tell her. The simplest of them all is goodnight... for I hope she sleeps well, dreams of things as beautiful as her eyes. Since I can't do this I wish the world and myself the same!