Mistakes: An Unanswered Question

Everyone makes bad decisions... it is what life is all about: learning from mistakes. So at what point does making the same mistake become a habit, or even a personality flaw? There are mistakes that do not ever seem to be fixed. The mistakes in mind are small ones... but they seem to add up... Asking for help is a possibility, but everyone has mistakes to deal with as well. Which makes asking for help a selfish act. Furthering ones self through the use of others. The idea of using others as stepping stones to improve is a sickening thought. So how does a person better them self, evolve, take their circumstantial mutations (mistakes) and use it as a tool for survival?

No answer coming from my brain yet... I guess I'll have to get back to you.

Brainstorming

I need to brainstorm ideas on how to change my methods and approach to taking the next steps.

1. Ask for help... My want to do things for myself, handle my problems is just putting more stress into the situation. Maybe asking for help from family and friends in certain cases will help with all my steps. I hope to use this idea as some solid ground to push off from.

2. Narrow focus... It would be great if everything could change easily. The want is there but the willpower is not, mostly because of stress. As it builds the weight of my hopes seem to double and it becomes more of a burden and struggle. If I can focus on one step at a time maybe things will be easier.

3. ...

Taking on Water

Do I worry too much or not enough? Sometimes I try so hard to take on responsibilities by myself, but I begin to breakdown. Weathered by time like everything else on this planet. First I see cracks in my confidence, water starts seeping through widening the cracks. Now up to my knees in water, the dam is about to break and I have no plans to reinforce what has eroded away. After a sleepless night this is all I could come up with...

When something doesn't work, try something new... Maybe a canoe to float atop the unstoppable flow of water.

I am going to start posting recorded material on here! Hope everyone enjoys. This is a piece called Brilliancy. It was written by Sam Bush and can be found on his album Glamour & Grits.

Label and Name Tags

Today I came to a realization. Today brought to my attention the fact that many people live their life based on labels and the expectations that go along with these society made epithets. In many facets of my life I ignore these expectations, though lately I have really take these labels to heart. Why is it that when you first meet a fellow college student one of the main questions people ask is "What are you majoring in?" While this is nothing more than a friendly gesture, along with it comes a tag. A name tag that specifies what people expect you to do with your life and who they think you are. The other designation that has really been bothering me is the difference between "girlfriend," "dating," and "friend." These are my thoughts... The feelings I have for each of my friends should not be labeled on the fact that I call them my friends. In fact it is just the opposite. If someone means everything to me they should be treated with the feelings that are in my heart. Why should I let a label distinguish how I feel about someone and more importantly how I should treat them. There is a conclusion to these thoughts... it just hasn't completely surfaced yet... I'll keep ya'll posted

Someone recently has really opened my ears to a new type of music that I am starting to really appreciate. It is not an actual genre but I like to call it lyrical music. That is music with lyrics that touch your soul, help speak your heart. Here are a couple examples of these type of songs. Both speak what has been on my mind of late... sometimes they give me hope. Other times they make me ball up and cry. The most important part about them is that they are both catalysts for emotion and thought. They share my feelings with the other people who listen to the songs without them even knowing, for it means something different to each person which I find fascinating.

"Changeless"

Call my friends to share some wine
To share some laughs, and last goodbyes
My photographs of these years
Will make me laugh through the tears

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I will miss your smile

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

Let fondness be our souvenir
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near
Otherwise with no heart to recall...
A memory's just a memory after all
I will not leave this pulse alone
Though it may take the long way home
I will not wait until the end
For my applause for you my friend

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we won't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I have missed your smile

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

This song put words to the feelings and worries I am facing in a friendship and I want her to know that I always plan to be there no matter the odds of meeting again... If she needs rest I'll keep her nest changeless.

"Comfort"

I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was around.

Love came along, my favorite enemy,
We hit head-on.
Why you befriended me... I don't know.
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Could you be...

You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
You smoothed me out.
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.

I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow white field.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Caught up inside, all I wanna be...
Try to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.

Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Love is a cruel mistress

I am feeling down in the dumps, have been for a couple weeks, especially this morning. I am tired of it... The problem is I feel like I can't do anything about it. When I try and take my mind off the negative thoughts it works fine until the next time the thoughts resurface. The bite is now twice as venomous. Here is the train of thought that has been haunting both sleep and the waking moments of my recent mornings and nights...

When my only long term relationship ended awhile back I had this same feeling of hopelessness as if my heart had gone comatose. It took me almost a full year to force myself out of the funk and now only a year later I'm falling down the same fucking hole. I can feel my heart going vegetative once again. Thoughts of giving up creeping in. I am at a dead end and don't want to back up. I'd rather plow through the sign then follow that road. The road back to heartache, heartache to the point where all I do is zombie around void of emotion. Where my heart is still beating just not feeling. I am frustrated with the idea of love. I've felt the love people speak of maybe twice in my life... If that is what love leads to I'd rather avoid it like the plague for it kills. Love is a succubus that has sucked the life out of my soul once... I'd kill it before letting it happen again.

Im not proud or happy about this chugging choo choo of negativity but I can not help it. I promised myself I'd never let myself become that negative person again and these thoughts are no reason to give up that promise. I am slowly beginning to realize that maybe Im not as flawed as I act.

Endless Treadmill

After about of a month of blogging I do not feel like my life has progressed any where. Ten steps forward and ten steps back... like a dance that I do not want to be apart of but can't escape from. My hope is that it is just a crooked road winding back on itself skewing me in the best direction. So what is next? Back to school, focus on finishing this silly deterrent that still holds me by my ankles tripping me up each time I try to take a step down this winding path. I can not wait for things to move forward... for this endless treadmill to turn off, for there is someone I want to be with, goals I have to reach.

... Is there a button for this treadmill that i can turn off? Or will the batteries just run out?...

Doing the Right Thing

Some days everything feels wrong. My assumptions, choices, actions... The words I say the thoughts I think and Murphy's Law takes over. If I knew how to stop this, life wouldn't seem so hard for these are the hardest days of my life. I'm lost in a sea of endless waves each filling my lungs with water. desperately clawing trying to grab anything solid to keep myself from sinking to the bottom. The only comfort is knowing there is always a way to resurface. It is where in the sea I will resurface that gives pause. Now I sit holding my breathe just below the surface wondering what my reflection will show when on the other side.