I am feeling down in the dumps, have been for a couple weeks, especially this morning. I am tired of it... The problem is I feel like I can't do anything about it. When I try and take my mind off the negative thoughts it works fine until the next time the thoughts resurface. The bite is now twice as venomous. Here is the train of thought that has been haunting both sleep and the waking moments of my recent mornings and nights...
When my only long term relationship ended awhile back I had this same feeling of hopelessness as if my heart had gone comatose. It took me almost a full year to force myself out of the funk and now only a year later I'm falling down the same fucking hole. I can feel my heart going vegetative once again. Thoughts of giving up creeping in. I am at a dead end and don't want to back up. I'd rather plow through the sign then follow that road. The road back to heartache, heartache to the point where all I do is zombie around void of emotion. Where my heart is still beating just not feeling. I am frustrated with the idea of love. I've felt the love people speak of maybe twice in my life... If that is what love leads to I'd rather avoid it like the plague for it kills. Love is a succubus that has sucked the life out of my soul once... I'd kill it before letting it happen again.
Im not proud or happy about this chugging choo choo of negativity but I can not help it. I promised myself I'd never let myself become that negative person again and these thoughts are no reason to give up that promise. I am slowly beginning to realize that maybe Im not as flawed as I act.
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