Like a River

Sitting on the banks of Boulder Creek I began to realize how many analogies can be made between life and a river. The constant change of ebbs and flows of white and clear water are much like the ever diverse moments of my life... Sometimes creeks and rivers come together giving each other strength while other times tributaries branch away leaving the river to travel along alone. The one difference I am determined to make is that a river can not choose its path. It takes the path of least resistance. In my case whatever path leads me to my goals, no matter the resistance I will gladly take it.

Try to look forward and try to live every day with more gusto and more laughter, try and live more each day. Life goes on!!! There will always be good and bad each day, treasure the good and accept and learn from the bad. Life goes on!!!

Sunrise

Lately due to being a housekeeper... a very glam job I might add ;)... I have been up at sunrise for three weeks straight. It has become one of my absolute favorite moments of the day. The stillness is so calming, the only noises are the birds sweetly singing to each other. The colors that grace the sky at this time of day are equally beautiful to those of sunset. Most of all I have found so much help in the meaning of the sunrise. Every day there is a beautiful new beginning and that message is something I really need to understand. If I come to accept life with a new hope and new strength in my heart everyday maybe my days will be graced with the beauty of the sunrises.

Heart in Two

I just woke up from a dream in tears, even though it was a great dream. A certain girl was over spending time with me. We were having a blast with lots of smiles and giggles. Then she pulls me aside to give me this card. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read in a dream... maybe ever. Either way then I woke up and just started crying... Why? Because I know that dream will never happen and it literally ripped my heart in two. These thoughts torture me enough in my waking life to let them take away my dreams as well. So now that my heart is in two pieces it is time to move on... Leave the weaker, warmer, loving piece of my heart stored in a freezer somewhere. Stow it away from myself so I can get on with the greatness that I want to be my life and not worry about petty things like love.

Smile

These are words to live by! Because if you do try smiling it always makes things at least a little better.

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Apology

I was hoping things would change over this past week... The problem seems to be that I'm overbearing. I want to take hold of the reigns and make things work... fix problems, help her figure things out, help her feel like she wants to feel. But instead of helping I always feel like I put more pressure on the situation and she walks away from our conversations and texts wanting to avoid the extra stress. The catch that really makes me crazy is, that I am just assuming... and the assumption is most likely wrong. Either way, this feeling is attributed to my continuous want to be apart of her life. With her great new friends its time to take a seat on the back-burner and let her live life as she sees fit with the people that make her comfortable. So instead of imposing my wants to help, I will help by not helping until I hear differently. I want to apologize for all the times I've added stress to her nights out with other people, to the days she just needs to be by herself and I interrupted, the moments I selfishly added my insecurities to her already busy life... Finally I am sorry about this post for I know she is one of the few people that will read this and I hope it doesn't add the stress I am desperately trying to keep her away from...

What I am not sorry for is being in love with her and wanting to help, just acting on those instincts.

Compliments for a Super Hero

I believe myself to be a pretty humble person... but I wanted to share some compliments people have given me from yesterday. My self-confidence of late has been really in the dumps. Often times, the weight of what should have or could have happened is seriously back breaking. Motivation slips away and I find myself in pool of excrement that I have been throwing at myself......... (um ew, ok that is hella gross) In other words I end up blaming myself for things going awry. With yesterday so flooded with compliments this feeling retreated and my self-confidence came rushing back. Because of all this I came to the conclusion that when it comes down to the nitty gritty, when the shit hits the fan (maybe how i ended up in a pool of excrement) if you are honest to yourself, true to your feelings and your heart in the end it pays off. Is everything in my life perfect? Far, far from it, but never give up, never surrender, and maybe, just maybe you'll hear some praise that will make you feel like the super hero you are.

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

But you are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
Satisfied

Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

You are always on my mind...

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

Tonight I am sleepless because I am so worried about someone dear to me. She went out tonight on a dark and stormy night... I am so afraid that something happened to her. What it made me realize is I am so afraid to lose her. So afraid that if I did lose her I would not know what to do... And without her in this moment I am lost, sleepless, and so worried.

Early Bed Blues

Last night friends came over for video games and dessert! It was a blast, but I had to go to bed early due to work early this morning... Just that two or three hours I missed spending with my dearest friend made me miss her so so much. She is reentering the world of dating, and she is a serious catch, an amazing woman, and I know that she won't be single for long. Its a good chance I won't get as many opportunities to be around her and no opportunities to tell her how much a still love her. Was it possible for me to do more, to make her want and need me more? If so it is too late now and I need to accept it.

The other instigator of me missing her immensely is my date on Saturday. This girl that is coming to visit is a real sweetheart. She is gorgeous and silly both very good qualities, but she isn't the one and I already know it. I can honestly say I wish this date was with someone else someone much more important to me. This, I think, is what makes me miss her the most... She is also going on a date Saturday, with a guy I've met. He is a great guy, though I hardly know him. Is it wrong that I secretly wish both of our dates go horribly? Its not because I am jealous. I just think it would reinforce the closeness that I feel is slipping. I don't think I will ever not love her, but thats the way I want it.

Favorite Dream

First concert dream I've ever remembered having was just now. and its was my favorite dream to date. The rush I got from this dream was incredible! The crowd seriously loved us and we jammed a pretty solid set... Now to make this dream a reality!

Maybe I am better off alone... I would sure feel much more mentally stable, and emotionally sound. But as much as I am starting to believe that, nothing can compare to the time I spend with her. Is there a balance or is love just meant to be uncontrollable, crazy and completely enigmatic? I think I would be famous if I could answer that question.

Stone

STONE
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT .
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND ,

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE .

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE'

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

THE FRIEND REPLIED
'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE M UST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT'

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
C ARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A
MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
PERSON,

AN HOUR TO
APPRECIATE THEM,

A DAY
TO LOVE THEM,

BUT THEN ,

AN ENTIRE LIFE
TO FORGET THEM.

Random thoughts

I feel like usually I'm not the type of person to ask too much from people. The requests I have are usually legitimate and asked politely. Lately these requests have been met with hostility of with a snide remark. I guess I know how it feels to be a mom... Maybe I need to work on how I go about asking people for favors. It might improve the tone of the responses.

On a different note... What does one do when they are bored with the things and people in their life? I'm not saying I've reached that point, but my life is lacking some serious variety... Or is it me? Have I lost my sense of flavor, am I bland and dried out, stale and boring? Tomorrow my goal is to do something out of my comfort level!

Friendship Everlasting... (an unfinished and unrefined poem)

A moment. A single night.

Wonderful, Wild, Pure

Hold it dear. It could be the last.

A missed opportunity. A single kiss.

Sweet, Soft, Loving

Don't hold back. It could have been the last.

A hundred feelings. A single word

Love, Loved, Lover

Hold the emotions. Forever it could last.

A beautiful soul. A single beautiful woman.

Sexy, Strong, Caring

Hold her close. Friendship everlasting.

Worries

Again I ask...

Do I worry too much or too little?

Maybe a little of both...