Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Reading Therapy


It seems a self-evident thing-- that I, that we are alive. Yet too often, I fear, we easily forget the importance of that simple fact. It is so easy to forget that you are truly alive, or at least, that every sunrise is yours to view and every sunset is yours to enjoy. And all those hours in between, and all those hours after dusk, are yours to make of what you will.

It is easy to miss the possibility that every person who crosses your path can become an event and a memory, good or bad, to fill in the hours with experience instead of tedium, to break the monotony of the passing moments. Those wasted moments, those hours of sameness, of routine, are the enemy, I say, are little stretches of death within the moments of life.

We are all dying, every moment that passes of every day. That is the inescapable truth of this existence. It is a truth that can paralyze us with fear, or one that can energize us with impatience, with the desire to explore and experience, with the hope to find a memory in each action. To be alive, under sunshine or under starlight, in weather fair or stormy. To dance every step, be they through gardens of bright flowers or through deep snows.


I have decided that I have an addictive personality... I become addicted to everything from playing games to people to feeling a certain way. It is kind of unbearable sometimes... so I am figuring how weed myself off of these addictions and hopefully wont get myself caught in others in the process.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

For all the people I have been missing in my life:
I can't wait to see you...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Unconditional Love


Unconditional Love by New Grass Revival:

People think I'm crazy to keep on lovin' you
After all the changes you put me through
But they don't understand the nature of my love
You can turn your back on me but I will never give you up

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love

I don't care how long it takes to get to you
Some day I know I'll see my dream come true
Until I have you I've got nothing but time
I'm gonna keep on tryin' 'til I make you mine

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love

This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough
This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough

This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough
This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough

An unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, yeah

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
An undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love


I had an odd thought recently... It was when I received a text from my parents... "Remember we love you unconditionally" I have always known this of course, but lately I feel like unconditional love is the extinct cousin to the newly evolved, just plain ol' love. One of my hypotheses is that this change developed due to the amount of divorces in this country. Not to say divorce is not taken seriously, or helpful in hurtful, abusive and degrading marriages. But some people get into a marriage and when they find out the tough parts or hit a rough patch they want out. My parents have been married for 28 years and have gone through more than their fair share of arguments and fights. They have talked about divorce but decided that the love they still share is stronger than the petty fights they have occasionally. But today's society doesn't put the same importance on keeping a marriage together. Because of this I feel that unconditional love is becoming a forgotten facet of peoples lives. I do think unconditional love needs to be earned but the chance to get to that point also needs to be given.

On a side note I have a very dear friend, who has recently asked me to give them space, and I just want to say that she has earned my unconditional love as a friend and that this talk of marriage has nothing to do with what she went through.

Lisa you are seriously awesome and I don't think you hear it enough. Even though we have not been through the greatest of times recently I still appreciate the little moments you take out of your busy day to say hi or even stop to think of me. Thank you for everything and if time turns into months, into years I wish you the absolute best in everything you do.


Thought of the Day

Why is it that girls fall out of love so quickly... And once it is over they move to the next person so readily? The majority of women I know follow this trend and it baffles me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

A day in the rain is the cure for everything! Except maybe hypothermia.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

In Need of a Distraction

The old saying goes if you have an itch, scratch it... I have learned that scratching for me usually makes things worse. With eczema ignoring the itch has become an everyday annoyance. Physical scratches have never been my problem, it is the mental itches that catch me off guard. Whether it be drinking, smoking, feeling jealous or trying to help people. When I have a physical itch I find something to distract myself from that itch. I need to teach myself the same trick with my mental itches. Work has always been my best distraction. Go to work and just focus, do work and finish work then move on to the next job. With my employment so day to day another distraction is in order.

Someone to spend time with, roommates, best friends or even a crush is always a great distraction. However I have no crushes... My roommates are usually busy and my best friends are working. So whats next? Music is always a great time spender and I play quite a bit... Could i play more? Of course there is always more, but sometimes music gets me into moods where the mental itches become more of a problem. Missing someone also doesnt help. So where do I find new distractions?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

When does it get better?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Broken Vents

Stagnant frustration clogs my inner heart. Being forgiving, kind, and having positivity are so important to me. The air has no where to vent and my usual self is being choked by the amount of negative things happening to me lately. If one vent is broken, it needs to either be fixed or a new one needs to be installed. So where there is something or someone that can pull me out of this mess. But this time I need to figure it out by myself. Instead of venting the air I need to learn and breathe it in. Accept the toxins as a part of what life is and process them as much and as well as the positive that graces my days.
I find it interesting how much of my motivation to write has gone now that I have no one reading my blogs. It is fair to say I only had a couple of followers in the first place... but still gave me a reason to consistently write. When I created this blog it was for myself, and it still should be so I will continue writing here even if no one ever reads these posts.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

No choice in the matter...s

One great thing about being a human is the ability of free will. The freedom to make choices and decisions for oneself.... whether they are good or bad, intelligent or ignorant. This defining characteristic that separates humans from other species seems to be slowly waning from my life. Most people have a chance, or at least a slight choice in the jobs they do for a living. No such luck for me... I have been slaving over finding any sort of job... this is understandable because of the condition of the economy and the dwindling job market. But this feeling... the unenjoyable pull from fate is really draining my will to be positive.

Lately I have also been struggling with money. This is the life of a college student, but now more than other times. Due to being sick last semester I had to drop out of classes. By doing this I put myself in a huge hole of debt, owing the school money. Monday is the last day to pay this off before I have an outstanding balance and am removed from being able to register for classes. My choice to go to school last semester was thwarted by sickness and because of that my want to attend classes this coming semester is also being tested. I just want to be done with school so I can move on and try to pursue my dreams.

Finally there is someone I want to be apart of everyday of my life. I know its selfish and unrealistic. But if I could choose... that would be it. Alas it is not my choice and it is just another thing in my life that is utterly frustrating. I will admit that in all these instances I have made poor decisions and still do sometimes and probably will make bad decisions again. Maybe this is the way life is telling me to live... cause its better for me... I sure would enjoy some free will and possibly some positive things to happen... but that would just be selfish.

Wonders of a Mind

I am in constant question of myself. Wondering so many things that no one has the answer to. I have always been a person to live in the moment, not planning ahead. It seems now I look forward but not with excitement or with plans, but with hesitation and questioning. I know who I want to be as a person. Caring, loving, forgiving, understanding, helpful, hopeful and happy. But I am wondering if that is who I really am or if that is how other people perceive me. Always wondering why what happened, happened and what happens next.
I wonder who will be in my life for years to come, who wants to and who has no choice.
I wonder why love is not strong enough to keep people together especially when we are taught by movies and believers that love is the strongest force in the world.
I wonder if my life is more meaningful when i care for myself or care for others instead.
I wonder if other people are better than me, and why they would be better.
I wonder why I live the way i do and if it is the best possible way to live.
I wonder if actually have ever loved or been loved in return. Or what exactly love is... If I love her will she love me in return?
I honestly wonder why I wonder...
Somethings I know the answers to. Others no one will ever know the answer.

This is far from the end of the list, and the list will grow and shrink as time passes...

I wish I could share these thoughts with someone who would be there when it counted. Someone who was willing to forgive... Someone who loves me for my mistakes, my faults, annoying nature and craziness. I thought I had someone who could become that person and wanted to be that person. The moment, that hope and comfort was so fleeting and now I crave it like an addictive drug. But that is a different post for a different time... maybe tomorrow

Friday, June 11, 2010

A storm on the horizon

I woke up this morning to see storm clouds on the horizon. A very fitting analogy to the stormy weather that has been my life of late. As much as you prepare for a storm the amount of rain will always surprise you. There will always be sunny days too. My only hope is that a beautiful rainbow that accompanies some storms accompanies my own personal downpour...

I don't want to elaborate on my personal negativity. I look forward to continuing life as best I can and how I know how.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Missing the twinkle of your smile

There used to be a twinkle. A unique way you would smile. It lit up my heart and a smile was always there in return. Now I see the twinkle but it is not for me... I know you have told me that you are not ready for something serious, but I feel a part of me has died. One of my favorite parts. I hope that I can bring the twinkle back, I hope to earn it because I try to be what you need even when what you need is my absence. You are so important to me and the intensity of my heart dwindles to see that someone else is becoming your focus.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my selfish want for you to need me in your life.

Not for me but for you...

The little things

Sometimes The little things in life are the best. Sunrises and sunsets are my two favorite.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Companionship

Is it natural to feel that something is missing from ones life? I am proud of who I am as a person. It would be a lie to say happiness blesses every moment of my life, but that is what makes me human. Each day begins anew, and I look forward to enjoying every one of these new beginnings. For the most part this is a success, but more than once a day I am reminded of the thing... no the person who is missing from my life. This person used to be specific, that certain someone, but I am finding more that rather than one person missing it is the idea of having a "person." That companionship, someone to share my thoughts, joys and sorrows, laughs and tears. This is what is missing. After a long period of having that someone in my life, 5 years to be specific, I was left with this same longing for someone. At that time I began to search for anything to fill the void, but I only found that time away from needing someone was the only answer to my problem. Now that I find myself in a similar situation, what worked then does not seem to work now. Why? What is different this time? I believe that I had someone really special to share all of my life with, but when it really came down to being there... I failed. Am I not ready to have someone? If so then why do I feel this way?

Although there are voids in my life, and lapses of happiness. I still try my hardest to fill the emptiness with smiles and positivity... Here is a song for that person that is missing from my life... and for anyone who is also missing companionship.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung.
May you stay forever young.
Forever young, forever young

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful
May your songs always be sung,
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young...