5 Step

Again it has been too long since I have posted here. In all honesty I haven't felt compelled to write for sometime, and what compelled me to write now is a feeling of loneliness. Over the Thanksgiving weekend so much family was around, which was wonderful. Yet the feeling of family, that is to say, companionship was absent. I can not put my finger on why, but all I have felt is solitude, and I can't shake the feeling that this feeling will follow me for a long time.

Crime and Punishment

In my dream. I’m about six years old, and I’m walking with my father. It’s a holiday of some kind, and it’s near evening. We’re on the outskirts of our town, which is all laid out in front of us like a toy-train city, running right off up to the edge of the sky. There are no trees around, for some reason, except for a little black line of the forest along the horizon. That little line frightens me, so I try not to loot at it. I think we are going to visit the cemetery, past the tavern, going to visit my grandmother’s grave. Also the little grave next to hers that holds my younger brother, who died shortly after he was born. I was still an infant myself, so I never really knew him. I only knew that I’d been told about my younger brother, so every time we went to the cemetery, I would make the sign of the cross, very religiously and bow down and kiss the little headstone.

So I’m walking with my father, when we see this crowd of people. Drunk. Singing and laughing and playing balalaikas. And in the middle of the crowd is a heavy old cart, filled with stuff, with a tired old mare strapped into the harness. She’s sitting on the ground, refusing to move. Her master is a big, red-faced young man, who keeps whipping her and saying “Climb in! She’ll pull us, she’s going to pull us if I have to beat her to death!” And he keeps whipping her, around the face, around the eyes, and now she’s bleeding, and everyone is laughing and shouting, “Finish her! Finish the old bitch!” So her masters= takes out a crowbar and says, “She’s mine. She’s my goods, I’ll take care of her.” And he starts to beat her, on her back, on her legs and her face and her head and everywhere. But she won’t die. She tries to pull the cart. But she can’t now, with broken legs and a broken back. And he keeps swinging the crowbar, beating her into the ground. Beating her. Till there’s nothing left. Nothing at all. In my dream. I’m clutching my father’s hand and crying, crying so hard that I can barely see. And I say, “Father! Why did they kill her? Why did they kill the poor old horse?” And he says, “Because they’re drunk, Rodya. Because they’re people.

DREADful

My rant begins with a story. One of horror and disgust. It all started on the bus this morning... I, like most normal humans who board the bus instinctively find a seat that is completely empty. That is to say no one is sitting in the adjacent area next to the empty seat. So, like most mornings I took the liberty of sitting in the afore described seat. As more and more people piled on to the bus I knew it was inevitable that I was not going to make it to the end of my trek sitting alone. This notion is normally fine, but today's exception was absolutely horrific.

She ambled up the bus steps and paused before plopping herself down next to me. There dangling like strings of fecal matter were her dreads... Ugh, seriously dreads? Who in their right mind finds it expressive to allow their hair to fester to the point of this...

It is utterly disgusting, but that is not the end of this nightmare in real life. Mere seconds after her abhorred arrival in my vacant seat, she brushes the dead cell caterpillars that are her hair around her head and WHAM! A brief moment of shock passes... Was I just clubbed in the face by this chicks decaying, moldy, poop strands? A gag abruptly reaches the top of my throat followed by an extremely motivated urge to punch this bitch in the face. Finally my stop comes and the fresh air is finally filling my lungs and as I am calmed this conclusion graced me.

There is a reason the hairstyle is called dreads... It is because anyone who doesn't have them (intelligent clean, showering people) dreads being around anyone dirty enough to grow hair like those ridiculous playdough toys... oh and p.s. it looks dreadful. END OF RANT

Who am I...

I am a particle amongst the cosmos. Insignificant uniqueness bundled into a speck floating through what is known as life. This inconsequential speck is filled with love, hate, tears and joy, a complex web of bipolar inimicality. And as I am washed up like sand upon the shores I lie with all the other snowflakes not knowing, that when I melt, how I will be remembered. I am your perceived notion of who I am, but all the same, we melt together forming a river that will carve through the bedrock of life, leaving an imprint of erosion showing; who will notice us?

I am deciduous: filled with color and beauty when the sun shines upon my leaves. Left barren, delicately naked when darkness comes. I am the cicada who sheds its protective cocoon only for a brief time before life ends. Yet inside this cocoon can also be a butterfly anticipating the exquisiteness of metamorphism. I spread my new wings and fly leading the way for those crawling inch by inch below me. As I am all these things who I am will always be bound by definition, words that have different meanings to different people. Who I really am can not be put into words and is incomprehensible by even me.

FUN^10

It has been ages since I last posted here... this is mainly due to the lack of internet that currently resided in my house. That has been mended! So now i sit waiting to fall asleep... like always. But this time it is at 9:30 a.m. WHA!?!?!?!?! That is right folks tomorrow is an early day. One filled to the brim with anticipation and excitement, for it is labor day weekend. You know what that means? FOUR CORNERS FOLK FESTIVAL which consequently = music x hot springs x jams x late nights x great people x music again = FUN^10 = Jealousy from anyone who is not attending. If you are not jealous then you either don't comprehend FUN^10 or you lead lives filled with monotony and, to but it bluntly, lameness. On that note i bid you adiu and hope that you all will be showing those pearly whites all weekend, cause I know I will!

Insomnia

Some nights insomnia can be a real pain in the ass... Not getting enough sleep before a big day for example. Or falling asleep in the middle of the day to make up for lost sleep. Other times I find it so calming. Everything around is quiet and thoughts come clearly and easily. The distractions of life and everything else dissipate into sleep while I lay awake thinking. So I lie awake tonight under a beautiful sky filled with twinkling majesty. Breathing slows and my mind focuses. I begin to appreciate everything around me... Tonight I am inspired by sleeplessness

Late in the Day

Late in the day when shadows start to play

On my backdoor and up and down this alleyway
I think back on the times with your hand in mine
We sat talking low...late in the day
It seems you never know a good thing till it goes
Slippin' through your fingers...that's just the price I pay
For being on my own and doin' the best I can
Now I'm alone without a plan...late in the day

Now I pour whiskey, break the ice
Put my feet up and close my eyes
I try hard to listen to what my heart might say
Try to find the rhyme to take me back in time
And be with you here...late in the day

I look out over tops of houses and the shops
As the sun sets, another day does wind down
And my life is still the same, my lips still call your name
And my heart can't hide the pain...late in the day

Now I pour whiskey, break the ice
Put my feet up and close my eyes
I try hard to listen to what my heart might say
Try to find the rhyme to take me back in time
And be with you here...late in the day

My life is still the same
My lips still call your name
And my heart can't hide the pain
Late in the day

A friend of mine requested for me to post these recordings. I was happy to oblige! Im sort of a perfectionist when it comes to music... so these are not up to my standards but I hope you still enjoy!

I've been learning about a song every three days lately and it feels great. Really expanding my repertoire and nothing frees my soul quite like putting my own interpretation on a song.

I am fighting my addictive personality... Is it wrong to want to change part of my personality? But seriously I am tired of being addicted to drugs, to people even to television shows. Why can't I control my urges?

Past Dwelling

Much of my life has been spent wanting or pretending to be someone else. Whether it was at the age of 5 posing as a professional soccer player or playing some character in high school, even college. My degree is partially based on pretending to be someone else. I think I pretend so much because I am not happy with who I actually am. I can't say that I am proud of who I am right now. Lazy, prone to making mistakes, forgetting important deadlines, dwelling on the negative, jealousy, constantly taking the backseat. The list goes on... My guess is that I partially feel this way because this is how people treat me, but like a catch 22 I wouldn't make people treat me this way without acting and treating myself this way.

Today I am unintentionally dwelling on past mistakes, past loves and just my past in general. Today wil become the past and I hope when I look back from here on out I can be proud of the things I've done and how I have changed.

The air you breathe is toxic

But I still want to breathe the same air

There is something wrong with me.

I've Been Wandering

My pathway leads into the west
They say it never really ends
These legs of mine weren't made to rest
I let them take me where they send me wandering

As long as I remember I've been wandering
January to December I go wandering

No one asks the wind to blow
No one tells a bird to fly
No one tells me when to go
I don't need a reason why, I'm just wandering

As long as I remember I've been wandering
January to December I go wandering

A hundred fifty years ago
The famine pushed us off the land
Now we live beside the road
You'll see us in our caravans

As long as I remember I've been wandering
January to December I go wandering

This life I lead is in my blood
It's not for me to understand
There isn't much I want to own
Take what I will and where I can, I'm wandering

As long as I remember I've been wandering
January to December just wandering
I don't care where I go, just wandering
You want to know where I've been
I've been wandering

Lonely Epidemic

My closest friends are quite a fun and rowdy bunch. Always first to the witty joke and snide remark, never afraid to say what is on their mind in that regard. Although these are extroverted qualities I have discovered that most of my best friends are introverted... that is they keep their deepest emotions and desires hidden and beneath the surface. Lately I have been trying to break that shell partly for selfish reasons because I need someone to open up to... but also because I feel that it helps me know them better and I feel that I can give good advice.

Over the past few weeks I have uncovered that many of my friends are as lonely or more so than I am. It seems crazy that a group of buds as close as we are wouldn't know that about each other. So why is it that all of us are lonely? Does our closeness scare people away? I could see how it would be threatening... but then again my friends are very open to new people and are always accepting.

I will always wish these people the happiest of times even if they are sometimes lonesome. I and hope that I can be there when they don't have anyone else... And I hope they will do the same for me in return.

It has been way too long since I posted here. I have been so busy with amazing bluegrass and then moving that blogging had to take the back seat. Over the next few days I promise myself to have entertaining posts for all to read.

The circle of Life

Life is so cyclical. Both great and terrible instances seem to reoccur across people's everday life it is even seen on the world view. The trick is getting through the negative instances with as much ease as possible and moving on to the better cyclical things. Oh and don't forget finding a way to change that circular motion by doing things out of the ordinary.

Standing on Topf of the World

Can be so calming. Every laboring step is very much worth the serene feeling of conquering the mountain. As if the awe inspiring 360 degree view wasn't enough.

Wheres love come from

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

What feeds love

What makes it grow

Its all we need and we need to know

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

Used to have a gal lived down below

Used to go to see her but I don't no more

I let fear close up my heart

Love fell away and it fell apart

Love is handsome

Love is kind

Love is simple and so sublime

Love can not live on its own

You gotta make love feel at home

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

What feeds love

What makes it grow

Its all we need and we need to know

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

Saw love walking down the road

He had a weary mind, had a heavy load

He said theres two hearts outside of town

Too long since I came around

If I get there

Before too late

They might not fill their hearts with hate

I'll knock on the door

If they let me in

Theres a real good chance love could win

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

What feeds love

What makes it grow

Its all we need and we need to know

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

Well mama died two years ago

She told her children here I go

Said The hardest thing in life I'll do

Is try to say goodbye to you

Sister was there

For her last breathe

She said it was a very peaceful death

But mama's love lives on and on

Its like some never ending song

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

What feeds love

What makes it grow

Its all we need and we need to know

Wheres love come from

Wheres love go

My recent posts are the lyrics to songs I've been learning!!!

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

You're the Boss

But I don't belong to you

I belong

I belong

I can get along

With that steel driving crew

I went to the captain

Said I need a job

Said I need a job

And he said son what can you do

Said I can line the track

I can line the track

I can low the jack

I can pick and shovel too

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

You're the Boss

But I don't belong to you

Well I asked my captain

Said whats the time of day

I asked for the time of day

And he said he throwed his watch away

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

You're the Boss

But I don't belong to you

I belong

I belong

I can get along

With that steel driving crew

Now this old hammer

It killed John Henry

Killed John Henry

But it damn sure won't kill me

Im-a go down the mountain

See my baby

See my baby

And I ain't ever coming back

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

You're the Boss

But I don't belong to you

I belong

I belong

I can get along

With that steel driving crew

Well there ain't no hammer

On this here railroad

On this here railroad

That can ring half as big as mine

Ring like silver

Shine like-a gold

It ring like silver

And it shine just like gold

Walking Boss

Walking Boss

You're the Boss

But I don't belong to you

House of Gold

Some people steal, they cheat and lie
for wealth and what it will buy
Don't they know on the judgement day
that their gold and silver will melt away

What good is gold and silver too
if your heart's not pure and true
sinner hear me when I say
Fall down on (you better get down on)your knees and pray

I'd rather be in a deep dark grave
and know that my poor soul was saved
than to live in this world in a house of gold
and deny my God and doom my soul

Some people steal, they cheat and lie
for wealth and what it will buy
Don't they know on the judgement day
that their gold and silver will melt away

Pretty Fair Maid was in Her Garden

Pretty fair maid was in her garden
When a stranger came a-riding by
He came up to the gate and called her
Said pretty fair maid would you be my bride

She said I've a true love who's in the army
And he's been gone for seven long years
And if he's gone for seven years longer
I'll still be waiting for him here

Perhaps he's on some watercourse drowning
Perhaps he's on some battlefield slain
Perhaps he's to a fair girl married
And you may never see him again

Well if he's drown, I hope he's happy
Or if he's on some battlefield slain
And if he's to some fair girl married
I'll love the girl that married him

He took his hand out of his pocket
And on his finger he wore a golden ring
And when she saw that band a-shining
A brand new song her heart did sing

And then he threw his arms all around her
Kisses gave her one, two, three
Said I'm your true and loving soldier
That's come back home to marry thee

Pretty fair maid was in her garden
When a stranger came a-riding by
He came up to the gate and called her
Said pretty fair maid would you be my bride

Why does today seems so nerve wracking? Restless sleep to go along with a restless feeling...

50 Questions to Ask Yourself

Probing into myself isn’t easy. I’m so thick-headed. I can adequately probe someone else, but when it comes time to ask myself, “what do I want?” I always come up blank. So as an exercise for myself and you, I’ve created a list of questions to ask ourselves to help define that passion. They are not in any particular order, except for my own random stream of consciousness. I tried to avoid common cliche questions, as I’ve never found them helpful and you probably wouldn’t either.

1. How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment?
2. What is your fondest childhood memory? Who was there? What was going on?
3. How comfortable are you in your home?
4. How comfortable are you in your town/city? State?
5. What kind of weather do you like?
6. Do you believe you can have your cake and eat it, too? Why or why not?
7. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really loved?
8. What is one quality about your parent(s) that you really do not like?
9. Do you like what you are doing for money?
10. What do you feel is your greatest skill?
11. What do you feel is your greatest personality trait?
12. Do you feel like anything in your life is holding you back from ultimate joy? List everything.
13. Write a paragraph or two about your ideal weekend/time away from work. Include location, sights, smells, food, activities, and people.
14. How close are you in proximity to the people you absolutely adore the most?
15. What do you want out of life?
16. How do you think people will remember you, when you die?
17. How do you want people to remember you, when you die?
18. Write your epitaph - the sentence you would want to appear on your grave.
19. What is one thing you could do today, this week, this month, or this year to get a step closer to creating the legacy in #17?
20. How do you feel about your home furnishings?
21. Do you have a hobby that you like to do but you don’t get paid for? What is it?
22. Does money hold you back from anything? What does it hold you back from? Be very specific.
23. What do you think of passionate people?
24. Do you know anyone who you feel is living their dream? Who? What do they do all day and night? Be very specific.
25. Do you think you can be completely satisfied living where you do right now?
26. What do you want to accomplish?
27. Do you want to change your career?
28. Do you wish you lived closer to a certain someone or group of people?
29. Do you wish you lived in a foreign country or a far away state?
30. What are three things that you do everyday that make you totally happy?
31. What do you want to pass on to your children?
32. What is something you have never tried but would like to?
33. Are there things in life you wish you could reverse or make right?
34. Do you feel like you have enough money to live the way you want to?
35. Are you happy when you think about the upcoming day and all that it comes with?
36. What do you find challenging?
37. What do you find thrilling?
38. What are three memories you haven’t yet created but you would like to?
39. Do you feel energized when you work?
40. Do you feel creative when you work?
41. Describe what you consider work, and what you consider play. What are the differences?
42. Do you feel blessed or lucky to wake up each day? How can you get to that point?
43. If all of your debt was forgiven tomorrow, and you had a completely clean slate, what is the very FIRST thing you would change about your life?
44. Where are three places you have always thought about living but never did?
45. When do you want to retire?
46. Is there an award or accolade you have always dreamed of winning or being recognized for?
47. If you could learn how and money was not an issue, is there anything else you would do for work besides what you are doing now? Be specific.
48. List three things you would immediately change about your work day if you were the boss (assumes you are not the boss).
49. List three things you would immediately start doing on the weekends if you had the money.
50. Imagine it is a big holiday and you are with your loved ones and you are living what you truly love. When they ask what you have been doing, what do you say in reply? The answers will be a post for another time. But in the mean time I challenge everyone to ask these same questions about themselves.

Ugh to another day of loneliness and boredom. I did some job searching today, because well I am waiting and waiting and waiting for my other job to come through... Now I sit at home and wait for people to get off work... my life has turned into a game of waiting and it sucks.

Selfish by Nature?

No one can help... I hate this feeling, but it is turning out to be true. The help people offer has just been making the feeling worse. Still the love and friendship people have shown is absolutely regarded with thanks and respect. Other people on the other hand have been exceedingly selfish. While I think it is important for each person to be at least a little bit selfish, it has made me raise my eyebrow more than a few times.

It has always been apparent that the human race is selfish by nature. Does that mean I should expect myself to be selfish more often? I do feel that a fair amount of time I act selfishly... mostly unconsciously...

From a distance

I told myself I would dwell less on my incessant need to know all the answers to companionship and loneliness... It has not worked according to plan, but now every time I write a post about sad thoughts, the things that are hard to write and harder to read, I plan on following that post with a positive or enlightening post. So here goes....

Proof how seeing something from a distance can fool your perspective of what is actually happening

Colorful hillside? Yes, but there much more when you look close

Just when you think you know what you’re looking at, things change when you zoom in. The answer lies after the jump. (Pics)

A complete ocean of penguins!

Afraid/Excited

I had accepted the fact that you were leaving. Grown comfortable that you'd no longer be around. I saw it as an opportunity to reconnect with you through, skype and letters, little messages sent to Tucson... and eventually a visit. Now that you are staying I am so afraid... Afraid I will not be able to stand knowing that we can not spend time together cause its too much stress on you. Afraid of missing you more than I already do. Afraid that I may drive myself insane with an emotion I am not used to feeling. On the other hand I am so excited that you are staying until September and think its amazing that you will be around that much longer. Everyone that would have missed you will get an extra dose of your wonderful cure-all personality. Excited that I will be able to see the sunshine of your smile and the sweet purity of your eyes once again. Excited that maybe this distance will pass before you are gone to big and better things.

I am also afraid for you... I know how much you needed to escape the confines of Colorado. Hopefully that feeling has changed. Afraid that you may fall into a pattern of 'where am I going, when am I going.' Afraid that you will have to deal with my craziness and not be able to stand me anymore. But then again I am so excited to see how you spend the rest of your time in Colorado. Excited that you will have more time to sort out the things on your heart and your mind before saying goodbye to this beautiful state. Excited that you will enjoy the likes of Water World and Boondocks for that much longer, not to mention all the climbing time you will have. Excited to see where Colorado takes you before you have a date with a new state.

Reading Therapy cont....

To dance every step, be they through gardens of bright flowers or through deep snows. The young know this truth, so many of the old, or even the middle aged, have forgotten, Such is the source of the anger, the jealousy, that so many exhibit toward the young, So many times have I heard the common lament: " If only I could go back to that age,knowing what i know now!" Those words amuse me profoundly, for in truth, the lament should be, "If only I could reclaim the lust and joy I knew then."

That is the meaning of life, I have come at last to understand, and in that understanding, I have indeed found that lust and that joy. A life where that joy and lust, where that truth is understood might be more full than a life of centuries with head bowed and shoulders slumped. How strange that as I gained more to lose, I allowed that lust to diminish.

It took me this long, through some bitter losses, to recognize the folly of that reasoning...

On a Lonely Morning

I feel extra lonely this morning... no clue why but it is like a crate of bricks weighing down my mind. Loneliness is a strange feeling. There are people around, friends... yet the stagnant feeling remains. It has been five days since I have heard from Lisa, I guess it should be expected though. Having trouble sleeping never helps this feeling either. So I wade through the ever deeper feeling of loneliness today. And I hope that this day, the 4th, one that represents freedom and independence fills me with the same values.

Waiting...

I feel like I am waiting for something to happen...

Something great, the things that dreams are made of...

Is trying enough? is it luck? is it karma?

Is the incessant need for greatness and excitement normal? Or is it a disease?

It is appreciated either way.

Sometimes the effort just is not enough.

So I wait, watch and wonder...

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck.

You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

This is the time of your lives... Shouldn't every moment be spent trying to be the time of your life? Is that not what life is about?

Reading Therapy

It seems a self-evident thing-- that I, that we are alive. Yet too often, I fear, we easily forget the importance of that simple fact. It is so easy to forget that you are truly alive, or at least, that every sunrise is yours to view and every sunset is yours to enjoy. And all those hours in between, and all those hours after dusk, are yours to make of what you will.

It is easy to miss the possibility that every person who crosses your path can become an event and a memory, good or bad, to fill in the hours with experience instead of tedium, to break the monotony of the passing moments. Those wasted moments, those hours of sameness, of routine, are the enemy, I say, are little stretches of death within the moments of life.

We are all dying, every moment that passes of every day. That is the inescapable truth of this existence. It is a truth that can paralyze us with fear, or one that can energize us with impatience, with the desire to explore and experience, with the hope to find a memory in each action. To be alive, under sunshine or under starlight, in weather fair or stormy. To dance every step, be they through gardens of bright flowers or through deep snows.

I have decided that I have an addictive personality... I become addicted to everything from playing games to people to feeling a certain way. It is kind of unbearable sometimes... so I am figuring how weed myself off of these addictions and hopefully wont get myself caught in others in the process.

For all the people I have been missing in my life:

I can't wait to see you...

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love by New Grass Revival:

People think I'm crazy to keep on lovin' you
After all the changes you put me through
But they don't understand the nature of my love
You can turn your back on me but I will never give you up

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love

I don't care how long it takes to get to you
Some day I know I'll see my dream come true
Until I have you I've got nothing but time
I'm gonna keep on tryin' 'til I make you mine

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love

This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough
This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough

This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough
This is the only way to love
It comes to you when you give enough

An unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
Undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, yeah

It's an unconditional love I have for you
And it just gets stronger no matter what you do
An undeniable feelin', forever true, oh, unconditional love

I had an odd thought recently... It was when I received a text from my parents... "Remember we love you unconditionally" I have always known this of course, but lately I feel like unconditional love is the extinct cousin to the newly evolved, just plain ol' love. One of my hypotheses is that this change developed due to the amount of divorces in this country. Not to say divorce is not taken seriously, or helpful in hurtful, abusive and degrading marriages. But some people get into a marriage and when they find out the tough parts or hit a rough patch they want out. My parents have been married for 28 years and have gone through more than their fair share of arguments and fights. They have talked about divorce but decided that the love they still share is stronger than the petty fights they have occasionally. But today's society doesn't put the same importance on keeping a marriage together. Because of this I feel that unconditional love is becoming a forgotten facet of peoples lives. I do think unconditional love needs to be earned but the chance to get to that point also needs to be given.

On a side note I have a very dear friend, who has recently asked me to give them space, and I just want to say that she has earned my unconditional love as a friend and that this talk of marriage has nothing to do with what she went through.

Lisa you are seriously awesome and I don't think you hear it enough. Even though we have not been through the greatest of times recently I still appreciate the little moments you take out of your busy day to say hi or even stop to think of me. Thank you for everything and if time turns into months, into years I wish you the absolute best in everything you do.

Thought of the Day

Why is it that girls fall out of love so quickly... And once it is over they move to the next person so readily? The majority of women I know follow this trend and it baffles me.

A day in the rain is the cure for everything! Except maybe hypothermia.

In Need of a Distraction

The old saying goes if you have an itch, scratch it... I have learned that scratching for me usually makes things worse. With eczema ignoring the itch has become an everyday annoyance. Physical scratches have never been my problem, it is the mental itches that catch me off guard. Whether it be drinking, smoking, feeling jealous or trying to help people. When I have a physical itch I find something to distract myself from that itch. I need to teach myself the same trick with my mental itches. Work has always been my best distraction. Go to work and just focus, do work and finish work then move on to the next job. With my employment so day to day another distraction is in order.

Someone to spend time with, roommates, best friends or even a crush is always a great distraction. However I have no crushes... My roommates are usually busy and my best friends are working. So whats next? Music is always a great time spender and I play quite a bit... Could i play more? Of course there is always more, but sometimes music gets me into moods where the mental itches become more of a problem. Missing someone also doesnt help. So where do I find new distractions?

When does it get better?

Broken Vents

Stagnant frustration clogs my inner heart. Being forgiving, kind, and having positivity are so important to me. The air has no where to vent and my usual self is being choked by the amount of negative things happening to me lately. If one vent is broken, it needs to either be fixed or a new one needs to be installed. So where there is something or someone that can pull me out of this mess. But this time I need to figure it out by myself. Instead of venting the air I need to learn and breathe it in. Accept the toxins as a part of what life is and process them as much and as well as the positive that graces my days.

I find it interesting how much of my motivation to write has gone now that I have no one reading my blogs. It is fair to say I only had a couple of followers in the first place... but still gave me a reason to consistently write. When I created this blog it was for myself, and it still should be so I will continue writing here even if no one ever reads these posts.

No choice in the matter...s

One great thing about being a human is the ability of free will. The freedom to make choices and decisions for oneself.... whether they are good or bad, intelligent or ignorant. This defining characteristic that separates humans from other species seems to be slowly waning from my life. Most people have a chance, or at least a slight choice in the jobs they do for a living. No such luck for me... I have been slaving over finding any sort of job... this is understandable because of the condition of the economy and the dwindling job market. But this feeling... the unenjoyable pull from fate is really draining my will to be positive.

Lately I have also been struggling with money. This is the life of a college student, but now more than other times. Due to being sick last semester I had to drop out of classes. By doing this I put myself in a huge hole of debt, owing the school money. Monday is the last day to pay this off before I have an outstanding balance and am removed from being able to register for classes. My choice to go to school last semester was thwarted by sickness and because of that my want to attend classes this coming semester is also being tested. I just want to be done with school so I can move on and try to pursue my dreams.

Finally there is someone I want to be apart of everyday of my life. I know its selfish and unrealistic. But if I could choose... that would be it. Alas it is not my choice and it is just another thing in my life that is utterly frustrating. I will admit that in all these instances I have made poor decisions and still do sometimes and probably will make bad decisions again. Maybe this is the way life is telling me to live... cause its better for me... I sure would enjoy some free will and possibly some positive things to happen... but that would just be selfish.

Wonders of a Mind

I am in constant question of myself. Wondering so many things that no one has the answer to. I have always been a person to live in the moment, not planning ahead. It seems now I look forward but not with excitement or with plans, but with hesitation and questioning. I know who I want to be as a person. Caring, loving, forgiving, understanding, helpful, hopeful and happy. But I am wondering if that is who I really am or if that is how other people perceive me. Always wondering why what happened, happened and what happens next.

I wonder who will be in my life for years to come, who wants to and who has no choice.

I wonder why love is not strong enough to keep people together especially when we are taught by movies and believers that love is the strongest force in the world.

I wonder if my life is more meaningful when i care for myself or care for others instead.

I wonder if other people are better than me, and why they would be better.

I wonder why I live the way i do and if it is the best possible way to live.

I wonder if actually have ever loved or been loved in return. Or what exactly love is... If I love her will she love me in return?

I honestly wonder why I wonder...

Somethings I know the answers to. Others no one will ever know the answer.

This is far from the end of the list, and the list will grow and shrink as time passes...

I wish I could share these thoughts with someone who would be there when it counted. Someone who was willing to forgive... Someone who loves me for my mistakes, my faults, annoying nature and craziness. I thought I had someone who could become that person and wanted to be that person. The moment, that hope and comfort was so fleeting and now I crave it like an addictive drug. But that is a different post for a different time... maybe tomorrow

A storm on the horizon

I woke up this morning to see storm clouds on the horizon. A very fitting analogy to the stormy weather that has been my life of late. As much as you prepare for a storm the amount of rain will always surprise you. There will always be sunny days too. My only hope is that a beautiful rainbow that accompanies some storms accompanies my own personal downpour...

I don't want to elaborate on my personal negativity. I look forward to continuing life as best I can and how I know how.

Missing the twinkle of your smile

There used to be a twinkle. A unique way you would smile. It lit up my heart and a smile was always there in return. Now I see the twinkle but it is not for me... I know you have told me that you are not ready for something serious, but I feel a part of me has died. One of my favorite parts. I hope that I can bring the twinkle back, I hope to earn it because I try to be what you need even when what you need is my absence. You are so important to me and the intensity of my heart dwindles to see that someone else is becoming your focus.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be my selfish want for you to need me in your life.

Not for me but for you...

The little things

Sometimes The little things in life are the best. Sunrises and sunsets are my two favorite.

Companionship

Is it natural to feel that something is missing from ones life? I am proud of who I am as a person. It would be a lie to say happiness blesses every moment of my life, but that is what makes me human. Each day begins anew, and I look forward to enjoying every one of these new beginnings. For the most part this is a success, but more than once a day I am reminded of the thing... no the person who is missing from my life. This person used to be specific, that certain someone, but I am finding more that rather than one person missing it is the idea of having a "person." That companionship, someone to share my thoughts, joys and sorrows, laughs and tears. This is what is missing. After a long period of having that someone in my life, 5 years to be specific, I was left with this same longing for someone. At that time I began to search for anything to fill the void, but I only found that time away from needing someone was the only answer to my problem. Now that I find myself in a similar situation, what worked then does not seem to work now. Why? What is different this time? I believe that I had someone really special to share all of my life with, but when it really came down to being there... I failed. Am I not ready to have someone? If so then why do I feel this way?

Although there are voids in my life, and lapses of happiness. I still try my hardest to fill the emptiness with smiles and positivity... Here is a song for that person that is missing from my life... and for anyone who is also missing companionship.

May God bless and keep you always

May your wishes all come true

May you always do for others

And let others do for you

May you build a ladder to the stars

And climb on every rung.

May you stay forever young.

Forever young, forever young

May you grow up to be righteous,

May you grow up to be true,

May you always know the truth

And see the lights surrounding you.

May you always be courageous,

Stand upright and be strong

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young.

May your hands always be busy,

May your feet always be swift,

May you have a strong foundation

When the winds of changes shift.

May your heart always be joyful

May your songs always be sung,

May you stay forever young

Forever young, forever young

May you stay forever young...

Like a River

Sitting on the banks of Boulder Creek I began to realize how many analogies can be made between life and a river. The constant change of ebbs and flows of white and clear water are much like the ever diverse moments of my life... Sometimes creeks and rivers come together giving each other strength while other times tributaries branch away leaving the river to travel along alone. The one difference I am determined to make is that a river can not choose its path. It takes the path of least resistance. In my case whatever path leads me to my goals, no matter the resistance I will gladly take it.

Try to look forward and try to live every day with more gusto and more laughter, try and live more each day. Life goes on!!! There will always be good and bad each day, treasure the good and accept and learn from the bad. Life goes on!!!

Sunrise

Lately due to being a housekeeper... a very glam job I might add ;)... I have been up at sunrise for three weeks straight. It has become one of my absolute favorite moments of the day. The stillness is so calming, the only noises are the birds sweetly singing to each other. The colors that grace the sky at this time of day are equally beautiful to those of sunset. Most of all I have found so much help in the meaning of the sunrise. Every day there is a beautiful new beginning and that message is something I really need to understand. If I come to accept life with a new hope and new strength in my heart everyday maybe my days will be graced with the beauty of the sunrises.

Heart in Two

I just woke up from a dream in tears, even though it was a great dream. A certain girl was over spending time with me. We were having a blast with lots of smiles and giggles. Then she pulls me aside to give me this card. It was the sweetest thing I have ever read in a dream... maybe ever. Either way then I woke up and just started crying... Why? Because I know that dream will never happen and it literally ripped my heart in two. These thoughts torture me enough in my waking life to let them take away my dreams as well. So now that my heart is in two pieces it is time to move on... Leave the weaker, warmer, loving piece of my heart stored in a freezer somewhere. Stow it away from myself so I can get on with the greatness that I want to be my life and not worry about petty things like love.

Smile

These are words to live by! Because if you do try smiling it always makes things at least a little better.

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...

If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Apology

I was hoping things would change over this past week... The problem seems to be that I'm overbearing. I want to take hold of the reigns and make things work... fix problems, help her figure things out, help her feel like she wants to feel. But instead of helping I always feel like I put more pressure on the situation and she walks away from our conversations and texts wanting to avoid the extra stress. The catch that really makes me crazy is, that I am just assuming... and the assumption is most likely wrong. Either way, this feeling is attributed to my continuous want to be apart of her life. With her great new friends its time to take a seat on the back-burner and let her live life as she sees fit with the people that make her comfortable. So instead of imposing my wants to help, I will help by not helping until I hear differently. I want to apologize for all the times I've added stress to her nights out with other people, to the days she just needs to be by herself and I interrupted, the moments I selfishly added my insecurities to her already busy life... Finally I am sorry about this post for I know she is one of the few people that will read this and I hope it doesn't add the stress I am desperately trying to keep her away from...

What I am not sorry for is being in love with her and wanting to help, just acting on those instincts.

Compliments for a Super Hero

I believe myself to be a pretty humble person... but I wanted to share some compliments people have given me from yesterday. My self-confidence of late has been really in the dumps. Often times, the weight of what should have or could have happened is seriously back breaking. Motivation slips away and I find myself in pool of excrement that I have been throwing at myself......... (um ew, ok that is hella gross) In other words I end up blaming myself for things going awry. With yesterday so flooded with compliments this feeling retreated and my self-confidence came rushing back. Because of all this I came to the conclusion that when it comes down to the nitty gritty, when the shit hits the fan (maybe how i ended up in a pool of excrement) if you are honest to yourself, true to your feelings and your heart in the end it pays off. Is everything in my life perfect? Far, far from it, but never give up, never surrender, and maybe, just maybe you'll hear some praise that will make you feel like the super hero you are.

Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

But you are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine
If I made you feel second best
Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You are always on my mind
You are always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your
Sweet love hasn't died
Give me, give me one more chance
To keep you satisfied
Satisfied

Little things I should have said & done
I just never took the time

You are always on my mind...

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

Tonight I am sleepless because I am so worried about someone dear to me. She went out tonight on a dark and stormy night... I am so afraid that something happened to her. What it made me realize is I am so afraid to lose her. So afraid that if I did lose her I would not know what to do... And without her in this moment I am lost, sleepless, and so worried.

Early Bed Blues

Last night friends came over for video games and dessert! It was a blast, but I had to go to bed early due to work early this morning... Just that two or three hours I missed spending with my dearest friend made me miss her so so much. She is reentering the world of dating, and she is a serious catch, an amazing woman, and I know that she won't be single for long. Its a good chance I won't get as many opportunities to be around her and no opportunities to tell her how much a still love her. Was it possible for me to do more, to make her want and need me more? If so it is too late now and I need to accept it.

The other instigator of me missing her immensely is my date on Saturday. This girl that is coming to visit is a real sweetheart. She is gorgeous and silly both very good qualities, but she isn't the one and I already know it. I can honestly say I wish this date was with someone else someone much more important to me. This, I think, is what makes me miss her the most... She is also going on a date Saturday, with a guy I've met. He is a great guy, though I hardly know him. Is it wrong that I secretly wish both of our dates go horribly? Its not because I am jealous. I just think it would reinforce the closeness that I feel is slipping. I don't think I will ever not love her, but thats the way I want it.

Favorite Dream

First concert dream I've ever remembered having was just now. and its was my favorite dream to date. The rush I got from this dream was incredible! The crowd seriously loved us and we jammed a pretty solid set... Now to make this dream a reality!

Maybe I am better off alone... I would sure feel much more mentally stable, and emotionally sound. But as much as I am starting to believe that, nothing can compare to the time I spend with her. Is there a balance or is love just meant to be uncontrollable, crazy and completely enigmatic? I think I would be famous if I could answer that question.

Stone

STONE
TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING
THROUGH THE DESERT .
DURING SOME POINT OF THE
JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN
ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND
SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE
IN THE FACE

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED
WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT
SAYING ANYTHING,
WROTE IN THE SAND ,

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE .

THEY KEPT ON WALKING,
UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS,
WHERE THEY DECIDED
TO TAKE A BATH

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN
SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE
MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING,
BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM
THE NEAR DROWNING,
HE WROTE ON A STONE:

'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND
SAVED MY LIFE'

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED
AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND
ASKED HIM, 'AFTER I HURT YOU,
YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW,
YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

THE FRIEND REPLIED
'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US
WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN
IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF
FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US,
WE M UST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE
WHERE NO WIND
CAN EVER ERASE IT'

LEARN TO WRITE
YOUR HURTS IN
THE SAND AND TO
C ARVE YOUR
BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A
MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL
PERSON,

AN HOUR TO
APPRECIATE THEM,

A DAY
TO LOVE THEM,

BUT THEN ,

AN ENTIRE LIFE
TO FORGET THEM.

Random thoughts

I feel like usually I'm not the type of person to ask too much from people. The requests I have are usually legitimate and asked politely. Lately these requests have been met with hostility of with a snide remark. I guess I know how it feels to be a mom... Maybe I need to work on how I go about asking people for favors. It might improve the tone of the responses.

On a different note... What does one do when they are bored with the things and people in their life? I'm not saying I've reached that point, but my life is lacking some serious variety... Or is it me? Have I lost my sense of flavor, am I bland and dried out, stale and boring? Tomorrow my goal is to do something out of my comfort level!

Friendship Everlasting... (an unfinished and unrefined poem)

A moment. A single night.

Wonderful, Wild, Pure

Hold it dear. It could be the last.

A missed opportunity. A single kiss.

Sweet, Soft, Loving

Don't hold back. It could have been the last.

A hundred feelings. A single word

Love, Loved, Lover

Hold the emotions. Forever it could last.

A beautiful soul. A single beautiful woman.

Sexy, Strong, Caring

Hold her close. Friendship everlasting.

Worries

Again I ask...

Do I worry too much or too little?

Maybe a little of both...

Mistakes: An Unanswered Question

Everyone makes bad decisions... it is what life is all about: learning from mistakes. So at what point does making the same mistake become a habit, or even a personality flaw? There are mistakes that do not ever seem to be fixed. The mistakes in mind are small ones... but they seem to add up... Asking for help is a possibility, but everyone has mistakes to deal with as well. Which makes asking for help a selfish act. Furthering ones self through the use of others. The idea of using others as stepping stones to improve is a sickening thought. So how does a person better them self, evolve, take their circumstantial mutations (mistakes) and use it as a tool for survival?

No answer coming from my brain yet... I guess I'll have to get back to you.

Brainstorming

I need to brainstorm ideas on how to change my methods and approach to taking the next steps.

1. Ask for help... My want to do things for myself, handle my problems is just putting more stress into the situation. Maybe asking for help from family and friends in certain cases will help with all my steps. I hope to use this idea as some solid ground to push off from.

2. Narrow focus... It would be great if everything could change easily. The want is there but the willpower is not, mostly because of stress. As it builds the weight of my hopes seem to double and it becomes more of a burden and struggle. If I can focus on one step at a time maybe things will be easier.

3. ...

Taking on Water

Do I worry too much or not enough? Sometimes I try so hard to take on responsibilities by myself, but I begin to breakdown. Weathered by time like everything else on this planet. First I see cracks in my confidence, water starts seeping through widening the cracks. Now up to my knees in water, the dam is about to break and I have no plans to reinforce what has eroded away. After a sleepless night this is all I could come up with...

When something doesn't work, try something new... Maybe a canoe to float atop the unstoppable flow of water.

I am going to start posting recorded material on here! Hope everyone enjoys. This is a piece called Brilliancy. It was written by Sam Bush and can be found on his album Glamour & Grits.

Label and Name Tags

Today I came to a realization. Today brought to my attention the fact that many people live their life based on labels and the expectations that go along with these society made epithets. In many facets of my life I ignore these expectations, though lately I have really take these labels to heart. Why is it that when you first meet a fellow college student one of the main questions people ask is "What are you majoring in?" While this is nothing more than a friendly gesture, along with it comes a tag. A name tag that specifies what people expect you to do with your life and who they think you are. The other designation that has really been bothering me is the difference between "girlfriend," "dating," and "friend." These are my thoughts... The feelings I have for each of my friends should not be labeled on the fact that I call them my friends. In fact it is just the opposite. If someone means everything to me they should be treated with the feelings that are in my heart. Why should I let a label distinguish how I feel about someone and more importantly how I should treat them. There is a conclusion to these thoughts... it just hasn't completely surfaced yet... I'll keep ya'll posted

Someone recently has really opened my ears to a new type of music that I am starting to really appreciate. It is not an actual genre but I like to call it lyrical music. That is music with lyrics that touch your soul, help speak your heart. Here are a couple examples of these type of songs. Both speak what has been on my mind of late... sometimes they give me hope. Other times they make me ball up and cry. The most important part about them is that they are both catalysts for emotion and thought. They share my feelings with the other people who listen to the songs without them even knowing, for it means something different to each person which I find fascinating.

"Changeless"

Call my friends to share some wine
To share some laughs, and last goodbyes
My photographs of these years
Will make me laugh through the tears

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I will miss your smile

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

Let fondness be our souvenir
To keep it warm, we'll keep it near
Otherwise with no heart to recall...
A memory's just a memory after all
I will not leave this pulse alone
Though it may take the long way home
I will not wait until the end
For my applause for you my friend

What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we don't meet again
What are the odds, what are the odds?
This ends and we won't meet again
What are the odds, What are the odds?
That I have missed your smile

Take awhile! Take awhile! Take care and
Fly away and see the world
Take awhile! Take awhile! Take time and
If you need rest, I'll keep your nest
Changeless

This song put words to the feelings and worries I am facing in a friendship and I want her to know that I always plan to be there no matter the odds of meeting again... If she needs rest I'll keep her nest changeless.

"Comfort"

I raced along an empty highway.
I chased the dawn
And cursed the new day,
Out of town, till nobody was around.

Love came along, my favorite enemy,
We hit head-on.
Why you befriended me... I don't know.
There's no need for letting go
When you've already lost control.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Could you be...

You've figured out the warnings
And the reasons why,
You smoothed me out.
I hope you know there's nothing
I could give,
For showing me how to live.

I don't know how
But you know just how I feel.
Sticking out,
Like a dark horse in a snow white field.
Stirred up by the breeze,
Strong but not at peace,
Free but unreleased.

My life is open wide
The more you live, the less you will die.
Outside, floating free,
I'm finally open to see...
Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Caught up inside, all I wanna be...
Try to survive, all alone,
Outside your company.

Could you be any more comfort to me?
Could you be any more comfort to me?

Love is a cruel mistress

I am feeling down in the dumps, have been for a couple weeks, especially this morning. I am tired of it... The problem is I feel like I can't do anything about it. When I try and take my mind off the negative thoughts it works fine until the next time the thoughts resurface. The bite is now twice as venomous. Here is the train of thought that has been haunting both sleep and the waking moments of my recent mornings and nights...

When my only long term relationship ended awhile back I had this same feeling of hopelessness as if my heart had gone comatose. It took me almost a full year to force myself out of the funk and now only a year later I'm falling down the same fucking hole. I can feel my heart going vegetative once again. Thoughts of giving up creeping in. I am at a dead end and don't want to back up. I'd rather plow through the sign then follow that road. The road back to heartache, heartache to the point where all I do is zombie around void of emotion. Where my heart is still beating just not feeling. I am frustrated with the idea of love. I've felt the love people speak of maybe twice in my life... If that is what love leads to I'd rather avoid it like the plague for it kills. Love is a succubus that has sucked the life out of my soul once... I'd kill it before letting it happen again.

Im not proud or happy about this chugging choo choo of negativity but I can not help it. I promised myself I'd never let myself become that negative person again and these thoughts are no reason to give up that promise. I am slowly beginning to realize that maybe Im not as flawed as I act.

Endless Treadmill

After about of a month of blogging I do not feel like my life has progressed any where. Ten steps forward and ten steps back... like a dance that I do not want to be apart of but can't escape from. My hope is that it is just a crooked road winding back on itself skewing me in the best direction. So what is next? Back to school, focus on finishing this silly deterrent that still holds me by my ankles tripping me up each time I try to take a step down this winding path. I can not wait for things to move forward... for this endless treadmill to turn off, for there is someone I want to be with, goals I have to reach.

... Is there a button for this treadmill that i can turn off? Or will the batteries just run out?...

Doing the Right Thing

Some days everything feels wrong. My assumptions, choices, actions... The words I say the thoughts I think and Murphy's Law takes over. If I knew how to stop this, life wouldn't seem so hard for these are the hardest days of my life. I'm lost in a sea of endless waves each filling my lungs with water. desperately clawing trying to grab anything solid to keep myself from sinking to the bottom. The only comfort is knowing there is always a way to resurface. It is where in the sea I will resurface that gives pause. Now I sit holding my breathe just below the surface wondering what my reflection will show when on the other side.

Feeling Useless

Today was a strange day... Today my life felt at stand still... The goals I've been making for myself are not progressing. So whats the next step? Will the step be outlined like a footprint in the sand? Doubtful. Some days everything goes back to square one I make poor decisions for myself and it affects me and the people around me. How do these things change? What haven't I done?

When I lie awake I think of you... When I lie asleep I dream of you... Dream of my arms wrapping around you gently, kissing you sweetly until your breathe softens deeply into sleep. Only then can I sleep soundly... Soundly to awaken to your beauty. A smile cracks apart my lips to see you smiling next to me....

Rushing

Awake, eyes wide open, scared. Am I rushing into failure again? A beautiful heart asks for space for time away, time to heal. While another selfishly reaches desperatley out for the familiarity of companionship. Am I rushing to be who I want to be? Sleep escapes my eyes, weary of mistakes that are not yet mistakes. Regret is not the word... yet. Am I rushing towards something that is rushing away? Like a game of tag I reach out to relieve the ache from chasing always a step behind. Feeling only that once my muscles can rest the chase will start again. Am I rushing?

Crooked Roads

I walk a crooked road to get where I'm going.
To get where I'm going I walk a crooked road.
And only when I'm looking back, I see the straight and narrow.
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road.

I sing a lonesome song to anyone who'll listen.
To anyone who'll listen I'll sing my lonesome song.
And when I hear you singing too the sorrow sounds so hopeful.
The sorrow sounds so hopeful when I sing my lonesome song.

And a lonesome song will be my true companion,
when all else has abandoned for singing on their own.
And a lonesome song with fill my days with gladness,
make joy out of sadness when I bring my lonesome song
to you...

I love with all my heart, there is no way of stopping
I have no way of stopping, I just love with all my heart.
Through the broken and the beautiful the bad news and the good news
the bad news and the good news is I love with all my heart.

And a loving heart will be my true companion
when all else has abandonded for loving of their own.
And a loving heart will fill my days with gladness,
make joy out of sadness when I bring my loving heart
to you...

And I long to be a happy man, In this life that I'm living
In this life that I'm living, I long to be a happy man.
When the silence turns to stillness I know I have the making
I know I have the making to be one happy man

And a happy man will be my true companion
when all else has abandoned for happy own their own
And a happy man will fill my day with gladness
make joy out of sadness when I bring this happy man
to you...

I walk a crooked road to get where I'm going
To get where I'm going I walk a crooked road...

This song speaks my new drive in life, a new philosophy giving me the strength to live each day the best I can. Though I know my path may not seem straight when I look back there isn't one thing I would change for it is what makes me, me. Usually when I learn a song it takes me more than a few times to memorize the words and learn the tune. These words, when they don't flood my eyes with tears, flow off my tongue with ease. I used to work to straighten my road, now I plan on taking every curve and enjoying each step with a smile parting my lips.